My son's wedding is approaching. My sister "disowned" me as her sister after her divorce. This happened when we decided to remain friends with her ex-husband.

February 5, 2007

Dear Ellen:

My son's wedding is approaching. My sister "disowned" me as her sister after her divorce. This happened when we decided to remain friends with her ex-husband. That was 16 years ago. We have not spoken or seen each other during any family times since. It has greatly simplified our lives to remain apart. I would sincerely like to remain honoring her wishes during any future family functions. Am I correct in my thinking? ----Simplified in Illinois-----

Dear Simplified: First of all---whose wedding is it---your son's or yours? Your son and his fiancée should be making out the guest list. Since you and your sis have not seen or spoken to each other in almost two decades, I am sure your son doesn't know his aunt---other than what you have told him. And---if he has voiced his opinion on this subject, in not wanting to offend you, he has probably already acquiesced to your desire not to have her attend.

And by the way---whoever said that life was supposed to be simple? Human relationships are difficult, complex and oftentimes unfair. At this juncture in all of your lives, it's not important why the estrangement between the two of you happened 16 years ago---that's in the past and it is between the two of you---not the two of you and your son. What's important now is that you have a joyous occasion to celebrate which, traditionally, family and friends (remember, these two are not synonymous with one another!) attend.

Your son needs to be given a chance to have this connection with extended members of his family. This is an opportune time for you to extend the olive branch of peace to your sister. If she doesn't accept your offer to "make peace", then that is truly her problem, her loss. But, you will know that you did the right thing in trying to bridge the divide and keep the family communicating through future generations.