Dear Ellen: I am getting married soon. My future husband’s father’s new wife is horrible and her children are disruptive and loud.

Dear Ellen:

I am getting married soon. My future husband’s father’s new wife is horrible and her children are disruptive and loud. I want his father at the wedding, but not the rest of the family. It won’t break my fiancée’s heart if his father does not attend, but it will if his “evil stepmother” does. What is the best solution? How do I address the invitation? Do I (or should he) deliver it in person?

---Anguished in Texas

Dear Anguished:

You’ve touched on a topic I discuss in my relationship seminars frequently. When you marry, you are marrying not just your prospective husband or wife, you are marrying into that person’s family as well. When you are dating someone, you need to meet, as well as spend some time with, his or her family members. It is of the utmost importance for you to decide if you want to live with them through “better or worse”.

Your husband’s father---your future father-in-law---married his new wife---your future mother-in-law---for some reason. I would only hope that his love for her was at the top of the list. Like it or not, your husband is now a son-in-law to the “evil stepmother” and a half-brother to her children. I can’t imagine feeling good about not including a parent in the wedding ceremony.

Marriage is the beginning of a familial relationship. Not only with your new spouse, but with extended members of each of your families. As long as you are married, there will always be situations where these family members need to be included.

The “best solution” is to invite your fiancée’s father and his new family. The outside envelope should be addressed to Mr. and Mrs. (or whatever title is appropriate) with the father’s first and last name and then the words “and family”. For Example: Mr. and Mrs. James Smith and family. Or you can write: The James Smith Family.

The inside envelope should be addressed with their first names on one line and the names of any children living at home underneath. For example: Jim and Mary, then Chuck, Sarah and Billy.

The invitation should be mailed---always.

Excluding these “disruptive and loud” children (and their mother) from your wedding and reception will only initiate a wedge in the future of your relationship. You may not want to have a relationship with them, but you certainly don’t want to be the catalyst which would cause this to happen.

Instead, be gracious and polite to your new mother-in-law. It really won’t kill you and you’ll be surprised how good it feels to have one less thing to stress about. Depending on the ages of her children, you may want to consider having a kid’s area at the reception---maybe there will be other children in attendance as well. Set the tables with paper (rather than cloth) and crayons. You might arrange to have a clown or some other appropriate entertainment for them.

This way, you come out the winner---rather than having a finger pointed at you as the shrew that helped instigate a family rift. And who knows---maybe the significance of the ceremony and your genial and cordial behavior will put everyone on their best behavior!

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